Maldita querencia por Javier Morales

Maldita querencia por Javier Morales

Maldita Querencia

Ver a mi padre descansar de esa manera en el patio de su casa, recostado, con los ojos cerrados al sol en aquella mecedora de mimbre, me hizo pensar que se acababa de morir, que estaba muerto y que nada podía hacer para salvarlo. Lo miré un rato más mientras sostenía un par de limonadas, una en cada mano, pensando que ya no nos íbamos a sentar a charlar sobre mi madre y que debía buscar la agenda telefónica para avisar a toda la familia. Pero no fue así, su mano izquierda acababa de espantar una mosca que se acercaba a su oreja. Solo entonces caminé y me senté en la otra mecedora de mimbre junto a él.

Una vez hubo tomado un par de tragos de su vaso, se aclaró la garganta y me dijo algo sobre los árboles que sobresalían por una de las esquinas del patio y que alcanzaban a cubrir una parte de la casa vecina. Lo escuché en silencio pensando que aquella conversación era otra manera en que mi padre esquivaba la ausencia de mi madre. Al ver que no respondía a sus preguntas volvió a tomar otro poco de limonada y permaneció en silencio durante un par de minutos.

Siempre pensé que el amor era una fuerza que construye tanto como destruye, pero ver a mi padre luchando por mantenerse en un estado de indiferencia ante la muerte de su esposa, apenas un par de semanas atrás, me dejaba completamente desconsolado.

Pensé que la tarde se gastaría de esa manera, sin una sola palabra intercambiada entre los dos, con un apretón de manos y un tímido abrazo antes de que me fuera a mi apartamento, pero hubo una ligera ráfaga de viento que sacudió todas las hojas de los árboles y arbustos del patio, y fue como si aquel movimiento lo hubiera despertado y lo hubiera impulsado a decir cualquier cosa.

El amor no es lo que uno cree, me dijo. El querer tampoco y a tu madre la quise como a nadie. Me envenenó de querer esa mujer.

Aquellas palabras me tomaron por sorpresa, pero también me demostraron que mi padre aún me sabía leer mejor que nadie y sabía que por dentro estaba lleno de ansiedad por escucharlo, por saber de su dolor o de su alivio o de lo que fuera que estuviera sintiendo por la muerte de su esposa y de mi madre, solamente para que yo pudiera confirmar si tenía derecho a sentirme de la misma manera.

Con un movimiento exageradamente delicado dejó el vaso de limonada en el suelo y comenzó a hablar como si no lo hubiera hecho en años.

Tu madre y yo nunca fuimos lo que parecíamos. Tú y muchos deben creer que éramos felices, pero no lo éramos. Yo añoraba en ella cosas muy distintas a las que ella añoraba en mí y había cosas muy simples que nos separaban de una forma insalvable, aunque por momentos nos pudieran unir también. No sé si me explico…

Verás, a tu madre nunca le gustó la poesía, aun así, desde nuestros primeros años de casados, le leí a Rojas, a Lorca, a Machado, alguno de Borges, pocos de Neruda pues me parecían muy obvios, le leí a Montejo, a Tablada, a Jattin, a Gelman, nunca se me ocurrió leerle poemas de mujeres, tal vez le hubieran gustado, recurrí a Sabines cuando yo mismo era presa del desencanto y creo que fue la primera vez que me escuchó, la primera vez que aquello que leí atrapó su atención: No es nada de tu cuerpo, ni tu piel ni tus ojos ni tu vientre… Ese poema le encantó. Y bastó que me lo dijera para que yo me sintiera triunfante, pero lo que me dijo luego fue cruel y crucial a la vez, me dijo que daría lo que fuera por conocer al tal Sabines, y me preguntó si yo tenía manera de presentárselo. Me lo dijo con picardía, con entera maldad, pues sabía que con eso golpeaba el centro mismo de todo mi ego. Y entendí el mensaje, debía escribir mi propio poema para ella, y me sentí abatido. Nunca había escrito nada, ni para mí ni para nadie, y pensé que no había manera de que yo pudiera escribir algo a la altura de ella. Igual escribí el poema. Maldita querencia, le puse. Parecía un bolero, abusaba del título como estribillo, estaba lleno de lugares comunes, creo que varios versos rimaban de una manera cursi y modernista.

Nunca se lo leí.

Desde el primer día que la hospitalizaron llevé siempre el viejo Moleskine en el que lo tenía anotado. Pensé leérselo mientras dormía. Pensé decirle, uno de esos tantos días, que le había escrito un poema veinte años atrás y que ahí estaba para que lo leyera. Pero nunca dije nada. Nunca abrí el cuadernito de notas, y así vi pasar tarde tras tarde hasta que vino la muerte por ella.

Ahora sé que, como el poema, son muchas las cosas que no le di a tu madre mientras estaba viva, que me guardé obstinadamente y que me envenenaron el alma pero no me quitaron el amor por ella. Ayer volví a leer el poema y precisamente habla de eso, de guardar más de la cuenta lo que queremos dar y decir a quien tanto queremos. Eso es una maldita querencia. Por eso te digo que el amor no es lo que uno cree, el amor es una maldición envuelta en papel de regalo. Y tienes que vivir con ella, con la maldición y también con la muerte y con el odio y la impaciencia, de todo eso está lleno el amor.

Por un momento pensé que mi padre iba a seguir hablando, pero en vez de eso alargó su brazo para buscar el vaso en el piso, tomó un sorbo largo y volvió a colocarlo donde estaba.

Quise preguntarle qué había hecho con ese poema, decirle que me gustaría leerlo, pero vi que cerró lentamente los ojos. Pensé que quería descansar y que debía dejarlo en paz. Y eso hice. Me quedé en silencio, meciéndome muy cerca de él, apenas consciente de la mosca que se le había posado sobre el dorso de la mano izquierda y que, por más minutos que pasaran, no se molestó en espantar.

Javier Morales

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